Surprises and losses

So my medical appointment revealed a medical marvel: my bones had completely healed. This is really “one for the books” since bone healing simply does not occur before 6-8 weeks post injury – even in kids. There is no medical explanation. I was ordered to start PT immediately and I no longer have a cast; rather, a walking boot.

The boot, while removable, has proven to be awkward and challenging to put on and take off. So by and large, I’ve been sock-footed. I’ve been too uneasy to spend much time really bearing weight on my bad led as I fear falling. It’s getting better each day. And for the record, apparently Physical Therapists are obliged to read and take to heart 50 Shades of Gray as they seem to delight in mild torture. But it’s working.

Up this morning at 4:30am due to a muscle spasm in my back and contemplating the news that my brother is now in the last stages of hepatic encephalopathy. He’s agitated, confused, combative and my sister in law wants no one to come and help. Not that I could easily come with the wheelchair, walker and all – but she is shutting out all of the sisters. I understand this is her husband. But others have had a role in his life and to leave us without goodbyes or even the knowledge that we contributed some small thing to his comfort is a bit surreal. I suppose the expectation is to leave him to die and then come and show up at the funeral – which to me is so totally pointless. And I don’t think I’m motivated sufficiently to actually do it. My poor husband would bear most of the burden of the work of managing my mobility. I’m still thinking about it. I’ll have to think fast because last report was that no one thought he would last the weekend. He’ll not see his 65th birthday next month. Funny, the disease that started all this 25 years ago promised to take his life in 10 years. I guess getting 15 bonus years is nothing to complain about.

I only hope that he passes through this stage and beyond quickly. I do not know what happens after death. I will only acknowledge that it makes no sense for us to have these complicated, amazing, emotion filled existences for no reason. I am inclined to believe that there is some continuity beyond death, though what form that takes is beyond my understanding. Not understanding it, however, doesn’t make it untrue.

So this fall starts in a fog of loss and a limbo of uncertainty about how fast I will recover.

Cliff’s notes on July 2016 to date

So…. I made it home from California. I cried in the plane going home. I wanted to stay and escape everything. The only thing that got me on that plane was the promise of a week at the beach a mere 7 days after my return – the opportunity to see both coasts in the same week.

Came home to a husband concerned about my state of mind. We had some heart-to-heart talks and made promises to make changes. And that was going to happen – just not how I planned.

I headed south to the beach with 2 kids. For the 2nd year running I had a beach house for 16 with 3 people in it. Ok – 4 when hubby came for 3 days of the week. Fine – I made the most of more time contemplating all the great life-changing things I was going to do.

Life changed the morning I left. I was up early, before coffee and the sun, to beat the traffic out of this heavily traveled resort area. Woke the kids, had 99% of the car packed. Shut off the last landing stairwell light. One kid behind me – another in front, and I missed the last landing step. Damned bifocals were exactly level with the edge of my view of the step and I assumed I had arrived at the landing. I fell, my left foot and leg twisting under me, my head slamming into the wall. Pain was instant and shocking. Kids later said they had never seen me cry before that day. Probably true.

5 minutes of writhing in pain later, I realized I had to make the 3 hour drive home alone. There was no logic in having anyone come down to get me. None in going to the local ER for treatment where my insurance would not cover anything. So the kids bolstered me up, I hopped down the remaining steps. They locked the beach house. I drove so they could drop off the keys. Then off we went, my leg locked in position while I drove first to drop off kid #1 then kid #2 then on to the ER where my limited insurance would provide superior care with the lowest possible out-of-pocket costs.

Called hubby en route. He met me in the ER – having gotten a ride with a neighbor. Diagnosis – badly broken ankle and knee. Too damaged for surgery that day. Sent home with some narcotics and a plan to see an orthopaedic surgeon on that Monday. Saw him – he scheduled surgery for Thursday. Had surgery – sent home same day (more about that later). I’m now 3 1/2 weeks post op. I’ve dealt with being totally unable to help myself do anything, including managing the bathroom (all of it) to dressing myself, to getting my own food and drink. Doing better now with wheelchair, but still totally dependent on husband. Apparently, this particular knee injury is devastating alone, let alone in conjunction with needing a 8in plate and 12 screws in your leg/ankle. I’ll be non-weight bearing for 8-10 weeks and then will start learning how to walk on this puppy again. Total rehab from what I can tell in the online forums is a shocking 4-22 months. People still have pain and swelling for years afterwards.

How’s that for change? At this point I’m sick of sitting. But when I stand, the swelling takes over pretty quickly. I’ve been back at work for about 2 1/2 weeks (no choice), and sitting all day without elevation is really no good. Working on fixing that.

Net effect: More change is coming. Thinking of selling some of my stake in the company to free myself up and to put the business into a good position for my exit. If I’m in for a long rehab, I still have a million things on my bucket list. I’ll share notes from the plane ride back from California soon.

Binge watching Medium

I am currently slightly drunk and binge watching Medium – which apparently will no longer be available on Netflix as of tomorrow. Problem is that I have 2 1/2 seasons and 4 1/2 hours. Can’t make that math work.

Spent the day strangely – following young thing from place to place – waiting in a shady spot for 3 hours at one point, catching up by phone with an old friend (well, he was my friend, then he wasn’t, and now maybe he is again). Talked to hubby. Trying to think of how I’ll finish off my California adventure tomorrow.

Problem is that I’m sleepy. Virtually no caffeine today, but there was food and walking. I just want to sleep for 10 hours. No fun. Last time I left young thing alone for any length of time that led to a true near disaster.

Who will I be when I get home? What will I want of the people around me to make my life better? Will I be brave enough to demand what I need and deserve? What will I do with this damned all-consuming job? What will make sense?

No answers tonight.

A month since I’ve posted??

Ok fine, I’m busy. August is gone – taken up by hours of work and frankly I’m not sure what else. Poof. Gone. Another summer.

Coming up are months with one or more weeks of travel each month – starting this week with a trip to the midwest for a live NFL game (the first in my life). End of the month is my wedding anniversary and probably another trip to mid-west in early October. October also brings my first trip to Montreal. Then Dallas in November, California in December. Need to find a weekend to fly to FL and see my sister in November, too.

There have been some custody changes with 2 of my grandkids and we will all be seeing a lot less of them. I’m considering talking with my attorney about grandparent visitation. Haven’t decided yet since once I do it, I need to stay committed to it. Oldest grandson’s mother is on a self-something-or-other trip – as in she wants to do what she wants to do and avoid the responsibilities of parenthood which she thought she really wanted while in her 20’s. However, her current path leaves those of us trying to look out for the kids in a bad place – as in this morning she didn’t come home so I took eldest to school and will assume he’ll call if no one picks him up this afternoon. it’s a 86 mile round trip to his house, so I’m not volunteering. I do have to say to someone (and you, poor reader, are it) that if I did this to my mother I might not live long enough to do it ever again.

Fall is here and some projects which require open air in the house are on the agenda. We enjoy a long mild fall most years and are hoping for that in 2015. I’m also looking at some fall planting. Putting in trees or shrubs in this area is a terrible mistake if you try it in spring – the weather gets hot FAST and droughts are fickle. They just love to show up after you’ve spent $500 at Lowe’s Garden Center.

In a surprisingly decent mood given lots of external turmoil. 🙂 Working on “contented”.

Ligher Load for Summer

I’ve been enjoying a bit of a lighter load this summer. Well, correction – a different load that feels lighter. It’s either that, or I’m making some tiny strides toward freeing up time in my day. Yeah, that’s probably it. That, and oldest grandchild has been out of town for 2 weeks, so my responsibilities there are absent.

I’m now at a point of trying to prioritize all the work and personal things I want to get done in the short-, mid- and long-term. Many of the work items have an almost identical level of importance and frankly, I’ve dreamed of having some minions more than once in the past couple of weeks. I just need someone to push something forward and literally get the ball rolling.

Also, I’ve been reading more – both in my most recent field of expertise as well as for pleasure. The fact that I can do this speaks to the amount of free time I have.

Traveling next week for the whole week. Will be encountering some former co-workers and am not sure how that’s going to go. There are a ton of reasons why we’ve not had contact, and most are due to lies told about me when I departed my job over 3 years ago. Others are related to the perception that I am in business competition with them.

I am torn – these folks who haven’t spoken or reached out in so long are themselves responsible for not even asking me about what is true and what is not. I have been amazed at how quickly that what I considered strong friendships have been abandoned without even a word or question. For me, this behavior has caused a loss of respect for them on my end. I find it hard to fathom when folks just walk away from a friendship without having a direct conversation with the other party to confirm rumors and lies. But it is what it is. Probably not in my best interests to have any confrontations with these folks – though the reality is that I miss many of them.

We shall see how it goes.

Friday – Lack of Work Ethic

The lack of work ethic today is mine. I was up late last night in a call to Asia Pacific. Still wake up at the same time every day no matter what.

One of my workers’ family members is having a health crisis. My son, who has recently restored contact with me, is in a massive crisis as well. Hubby is fishing. I’ve got work to do, but really can’t get motivated.

It’s not the heat – it’s only 85. Internet went out at the house so I’ve come to the office, only to find myself looking at Facebook and now blogging trivia.

Wondering if coffee would jolt me back to life….or just keep me awake tonight.

Summer Travel on the I95 Corridor

I think the title of this post says it all. A 3.5 hour drive takes 6 hours. I leave a hotel at 5:15am and am met with bumper-to-bumper traffic on I270. There are few no-carb snacks to be had a gas stations. Gas is 2.57 near the interstate – 5 miles later when I’m on a lesser traveled road it drops 20 cents a gallon.

If you were to look at the news today, you’d think that every police department in the country was hunting black people. Bad things happen, but media magnifies it all way out of proportion. On the positive side of that magnification is Donald Trump – who is really terribly entertaining as a political candidate, having absolutely no boundaries in his thoughts or actions. Glad I’m not Lindsay Graham and don’t have to hunt (or have an assistant hunt) for a new cellphone number today.

Folks are tense at work and it looks kind of like Spring Fever – a restlessness. I am getting some things done. Not too many, but some.

Eldest grandson is visiting his other grandmother, other grandkids are doing a family event on their mother’s side so I have no obligations to speak of right now at home.

Today’s is the kind of boring existence I could use for about a month.

News cycles

Over the past 24 hours, the same things have run over and over on the vast majority of US news channels:

Sentencing for James Holmes in the Oklahoma Theater Shooting 3 years ago. Guilty of murder in the first degree on all counts.
Arraignment and scheduling of trial for Dylann Roof, the shooter at the Charleston AME church massacre on June 17. The event that sparked the removal of the Confederate flag from the Capitol in SC.
Floods in the midwest.
The Iran Nuclear agreement.
Autumn Veach’s attempt to save her grandparents and herself after crashing a small airplane.
Planned Parenthood selling fetuses for research.
Bill Cosby – quaaludes and rape.

I have to admit that I am so overwhelmed by so many negative things in the news that I had to Google 1, 2, and 5 to be sure of the relevant names in these stories.

I watch the first 20 minutes of CBS This Morning every day when I can. It’s hard news – delivered fast and to the point. But with a bias. Every element of every event examined from just the right perspective to lay seeds of controversy, outrage, doubt, and drama. No matter how good reporters are these days, I really believe that the news is about the ratings and the profits. And the media drives public opinion and culture – rather than simply reporting it.

Making Changes

1) I am passing more work to my subordinates. Some like it, some hate it. For me, it’s rather like watching 16-year-olds drive in heavy traffic. I am mentally using my “brake” on the passenger floor.

2) I am taking a little better care of myself. PT has gone out the window, but MUST resume. Knee is better, weight is down. Trying a bio-identical topical hormone cream. Sleeping when I am tired. Getting up way too early. Cut my hair, lightening it up a bit. Still have to tell my hairdresser of 12 years that I’ve moved on. Avoiding that.

3) Clearing out some clutter. Not much, but some.

4) Bought something crazy. This fabric to put on my office chairs:

Item# SCA-TIG-ORGN

Regular price: $2,000.00

Sale price: $475.00

Got it for $75 a yd locally. Win!

5) Into Season 2 of TURN – getting a little too dramatic for me. But hey, I am watching a bit of TV and not working all the time.

6) Went outside today for 30 min with Roundup and attacked some weeds. More to go. Wish my back would tolerate just pulling them all up. We definitely need better, less seedy mulch next year.

Such a boring life. 🙂

40 plus years of friendship

I have a friend I met when I was 13 years old. Though we live hundreds of miles from each other now, and have for 25 years, we see each other once a year and pick up where we left off. I know where she will want to go. She knows what I’ll want to talk about. We know where we will eat, and I know she will need a nap in the mid-afternoon. I cannot imaging her not being on Earth with me even though we share only a few hours each year in each other’s presence. For goodness sakes, we only “friended” each other on Facebook about a year ago.

I don’t have close friends. I am a serial friend. One who will grow close to people for a time, but then move away as life and interests wane or intervene. Most of my friends are work-friends. I am no longer a church-goer as I find the guilt of not having enough time to make a reasonable contribution to the community too unacceptable to allow me to take what they offer. I belong to few groups beyond those professional and thus impersonal. I feel no compulsion to gather for social activities just for the sake of socialization. I would do anything in the world for you if you were in need, but I’m told that I don’t ask nearly enough of others around me.

I say that as I grow older I’m becoming something of a big, fluffy (and at times cranky) cat. One which will purr, observe, chase, and lay quietly. One who when disturbed sometimes lashes out thus ensuring that a healthy distance is kept. I don’t really mind this. The crankiness is fading as peri-menopause wreaks its final havocs with my hormones and metabolism.

But I do wonder what I will do as I grow old? With no one in particular to care for or about? With child and grandchildren lost in their own lives? Will I find then that this solitude is still to my liking?

A 21st Century Woman

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