Week is coming to an end.   There has been much drama on the work front with a major supplier of software to us wreaking havoc with an existing agreement we have with them.  Hopefully, we’ve reached a compromise as of yesterday but my inbox is devoid of messages from them so I am by no means certain.  It is clear that we will continue to diversify in 2015.  This will mean some more long days.

Just for the record, owning your own business is simultaneously liberating and imprisoning.  The hours are brutal at times, but the ability to make decisions on the spot is usually wonderful.  Until you realize that you alone are responsible for any ripple effect of those decisions.  I know for a fact that if I had to do this over again, I would not.  I would be quietly retired and enjoying my retired husband (I think – another subject) and a life free of these particular responsibilities.  I don’t like the stress, the hours, or the amount of space this company continues to take up in my daily thoughts.  And yet, I truly hated working for other people.  I never, ever got the true recognition that I’d earned because to recognize me was a threat to them.  Duly noted.  No grandiose thinking here – I could typically do my boss’ jobs without problems.  Now I am the boss.  Cool, but it’s no vacation.

Retirement for my husband is a total coin flip.  He hates having days without structure or tasks by which he defines himself as valuable, capable, and relevant.  He and I often have power struggles over minor things and I’ve grown to feel like I no longer really understand how our relationship works on so many levels.  I am exhausted most of the time and he is either bored or highly invested in some project.  The days that should be filled with gentle intimacy are instead filled with what we’re familiar with – managing the logistics of the tasks of the day.  He doesn’t really see this as broken.  And I don’t really know how to start moving us to a better place.  He believes we have all the time in the world, and the people in my life have taught me that such a belief is simply not true.  What to do?

Oh – update on brother-in-law:  Stage 3a lung cancer.  Starts radiation and chemo tomorrow.  Age: 57.  Think about that.